It's been a while since we had a good ol' revolution. I mean, 1783? Really? Come on, that's far too long. It's time to get with the program, my friends! Here are the top 5 reasons to support a 21st Century American Revolution (and an alternate ending):
5. Get Back Our Dignity!
We are Americans for Christ's sake! We waged a full-on war over paying taxes on our tea, yet we allowed our "Democratic" government to pass the Patriot Act without so much as a good old-fashioned sit-in? When did we become such wusses? Raise your ice-cold Sam Adams if you're with me!
4. Rebuild the Economy!
Arms dealers aren't making enough money! With the Obama administration pulling our soldiers out of war-torn Iraq and Afghanistan, the war-machine is in desperate need of new revenue streams. Do the economy a favor - put the people back to work with the surreptitiously passed American UPRISE Act (Undermine Plutocratic Reign in Search of Equality).
3. Share the Wealth!
The Federal Reserve needs to bailout American citizens. It's time to invade the Fed and distribute its worthless pieces of paper to the 99% along with the promise to provide everyone everywhere with their inalienable right to MacBooks and iPhones. You have a large, anonymous, volunteer army equipped to hack security clearances at your ready, and in return they will name a computer virus in your honor. E Pluribus Unum!
2. Eliminate Collective Stupidity!
The collective IQ of America has been in serious decline for decades while the youth population has continued to grow. Without a centralized government, leadership decisions will be left up to local communities where sensible people like Grandma Cyrus will beat Miley's hind-end before she goes on national TV making a fool of herself and "rocking" the vote! (Ageism is not discriminatory if you are under 30.)
1. Become Infamous!
After you are executed - martyred, if you prefer - by the "fill-in-the-adjective" reigning government, you'll go down in the history books as the "Last Anarchist". You'll be the envy of all your wannabe revolutionist neighbors and despised by modern-day "Tories" as a treasonous dissident and felon. Your name will become synonymous with traitor. Not to mention, you'll be doing Judas Iscariot a favor and as such he'll owe it to you to let you cut in line in Purgatory.
Unless of course...
You win the rebellion, in which case, the new Revolutionary regime's puppet leader will discredit your sacrifices, execute you under questionable circumstances, and revise the history books to exclude you. You will, however, be immortalized on expensive t-shirts made by penny-wage Chinese factory workers and sold in high-end retail shops to ironic counter-culture hipsters a la Che Guevera.
Contact Agatha Schreiber at agatha@ampersandh.com to inquire about guest blog posts.
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